Friday, 8 April 2011

Love Is In The Air


I just want to burst that hot air balloon!

During my time in Bogotá, I've been staying in an apartment owned by two fools in love, Maritza and José. Masé, as I like to call them, are both middle aged, Colombian teachers who are deeply, madly and sickeningly in love with one another. Don't get me wrong, love is a wonderful thing, but the things these two fools do because they are in love make me both uncomfortable and disgusted. This blog post talks about all the sickening love that has been in the air at Apartment 202.

1) Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

I don't know about you guys, but PDA sickens me to the core of my being. Sadly in Bogotá, it´s a norm to see people, young and old alike, showing off just how much they love each other all over the city; in the bus, on TransMilenio, in the parks, EVERYWHERE. Naturally, Masé have adopted this annoying social norm and insist on bringing it home for me to experience. Imagine now getting up and hearing the unmistakable sounds of two people making out in the kitchen, while preparing breakfast. By the time I go the kitchen, they have already started kissing and caressing over their morning bowl of papaya. Once I was having lunch with them and they were playing "footsy" under the glass table, while José brushed his hand lightly against her face, a scene straight from a Danielle Steele novel. The worst I've ever seen was last week Tuesday, when Maritza came home from work. Before she could close the door properly behind her, José literally pounced on her, pushed her against the wall and started kissing her all over her face and neck. Horny much? I was watching television and I felt as though I was imposing on a private moment, which in turn made me feel VERY uncomfortable. The funny thing is that when I came back from Trinidad in January, Maritza told me that José had officially moved into the apartment and that they would try to be "discreet" with their romance. HA! If what they are doing now is considered "discreet" then, I suppose that "not being discreet" would involve having sex on the carpet while I watch Glee.

2) Pet Names

Aside form the VERY public displays of affection, I've had to deal with the annoying pet names that Masé seem to come up with on a regular basis. At first, the pet names were normal and cute. They referred to each other as: mi cielo, mi vida, amorcito/a or my personal favourite, Duarte (José's surname). Things started to get really annoying when Maritza was scheduled to return home form New Zealand after a two month vacation. I came from work to find the living room covered with cream balloons that read, "Te quiero mucho/ I love you". Once she returned, a new age of pet names were born seeing that they had had two months apart to get creative. They started calling each other, "Ratón" (José) and "Ratoncita" (Maritza), which loosely translates to "Mouse" and "Little Mouse". I mean, who refers to their boyfriend or girlfriend as a mouse? Mice are disgusting creatures that gnaw on just about anything and carry leptospirosis. Ain't nothin' cute about that pet name! The other pet name they have been using lately is "Pukeko", a bird that's native to New Zealand that boasts blue feathers and an orange beak. Pukeko isn't an annoying name, unless of course you hear it 24/7. It's like, "Hola Pukeko", "Mi Pukeko", "Chao Pukeko", "¡Qué descanses Pukeko!", "Pukeko, Pukeko, Pukeko, Pukeko, Pukeko, Pukeko, PUKEKO, PUKEKO, PUKEKO!" OH GOSH MAN!

3) Nighttime, Bedroom Noises

Believe it or not, I feel as though I have a heightened sense of hearing and I think it comes from all the "macoing" I have engaged in during my lifetime. This keen sense of hearing seems to heighten especially at night because I hear every little thing, once I am awake. Naturally, I hear "noises" coming from their bedroom on a regular basis; giggling, moaning, smooching and other sounds associated with coitus. You know what? I'm just going to let YOUR imagination take you there! Eww!

Some of you may think that I'm bitter or else, reigning on Masé's love parade. Maybe I am, but I think that they should learn to have respect for themselves and calm down a little bit. At least, for the two months that I have to live in the apartment. I have been thinking about telling her how their "love" makes me feel. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? My new apartment might just be under a bridge? At least, I´ll have something to blog about. Toodles pa- doodles!